This One’s On Me?: A Deep Dive Into First Date Etiquette

The last bite of food has been eaten and just a couple sips of wine remain. The waiter slips the bill on the table signaling the end of your first date. It’s the moment of truth. Who covers the bill?

Dating gurus can’t seem to agree on proper first date etiquette protocols. Every person, date, and situation is unique, after all. Splitsies? Should the knight in shining armor swoop in in an act of chivalry? Does the initiator hand over the Mastercard?

The total price tag is minuscule in the grand scheme of life’s expenses. But the event is more momentous than you think. Finance expert Kiara Taylor points out in the Harvard Business Review that this is your first financial decision as a couple. Money and communication can make or break a connection. How that very first bill is handled can set the tone for your entire relationship.

Let’s Start With Looking at What the General Public Has to Say About First Date Etiquette

Accordingly to a 2017 survey, 78% of heterosexual men and women believe that men should pay on the first date. Other resources agree. Check out the graphs below from Elite Singles for an interesting state by state breakdown. (Click HERE, HERE and HERE if you want to dive down this data rabbit hole!)

Who should pay on the first date?

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This first date etiquette may be preferred by the majority, but is it “right?” Let’s dive into the different sides.

Stick to the traditions of chivalry:

The knight in shining armor needs to snap up the bill and cover it without question. The Gentleman’s Journal adamantly advises to stick to the golden rules of dropping in a suave, “I’ve got this.” 11 Reasons Why You Should Always Let a Man Pay on the First Date sheds light on why. Allowing the man to pay is sexy! It shows that he is generous and well-mannered and it shows that the woman is gracious. Plus, it allows the man to “flex a bit of the ol’ man muscles, look after you and take romantic control.”

THIS article in BBC Canada argues that allowing the man to pay doesn’t necessarily compromise feminist opinions. Women earn less than men and expectations about appearance comes with a price tag. That foundation, dress, and curling iron aren’t free! (For more food for thought on appearance standards, check out my post Thoughts on Appearance, Sexual Harassment, and Being a Woman). TikTok love guru Nelly agrees. She adds that if a man doesn’t pay, he is cheap and dating outside of his price range.

Who Whoa Whoa! This isn’t the 1600s!

It’s 2021. Damsels are no longer living in distress and don’t need to be saved.

Women can vote, go to college, become CEOs, buy homes, start businesses, and make decisions that don’t require male permission. (Click HERE for a quick and interesting look at the progress of women in the labor force.) There is still an alarming 18% wage gap, men still dominate fields like politics, business, and finance, and the fight for gender equality has a long ways to go. But hey, we’ve come pretty far!

But Katie, what’s wrong with a little bit of old fashion chivalry?!

Let Me Introduce Benevolent Sexism…

Hostile sexism refers to sexist behaviors that exhibit prejudiced attitudes. Benevolent sexism (BS) refers to sexist behaviors that are positive, romantic, and chivalrous. While benevolent sexism can seem harmless on the surface, research suggest that it perpetuates the idea that women are inferior.

Check out this compiled research from the 2018 study Benevolent Sexism and Mate Preferences: Why Do Women Prefer Benevolent Men Despite Recognizing That They Can Be Undermining? By Gul and Kupfer.

“Many studies have demonstrated that endorsement of BS by women is associated with harmful consequences, including increasing women’s approval of protective restrictions imposed by a husband (Moya, Glick, Expósito, de Lemus, & Hart, 2007), increasing women’s acceptance of restrictions on their behavior during courtship (Viki, Abrams, & Hutchison, 2003), increased seeking of dependency-oriented help from men (Shnabel, Bar-Anan, Kende, Bareket, & Lazar, 2016), and decreasing women’s interest in independent thought and goal pursuit (Feather, 2004). Exposure to BS can lead women to perceive themselves as less competent at work (Dumont, Sarlet, & Dardenne, 2010), reduce their cognitive performance (Dardenne et al., 2007), undermine support for collective action against gender inequality (Becker & Wright, 2011), and increase self-objectification (Calogero & Jost, 2011).”

The study proceeds to show that even if women are aware of these negative consequences, some still embrace benevolent sexism because they see the benefits of those qualities in a partner. Upon reviewing the studies above, it becomes apparent that benevolent sexism may feel nice in the moment, but in the long run, it hinders gender equality.

Split that check instead!

Splitting the bill negates any sort of expectations. There’s no guilt to murmur a, “I”ll get it next time” if you don’t want there to be a next time. Or, if things went well, going Dutch can establish equal partnership from the get-go. Splitting the bill also means that no one, usually the man, will feel used

But here’s the thing, treating someone is nice! It’s not just about the money, it’s about the gesture.

The date initiator should pay

I’ve read a seemingly endless number of blog posts and etiquette guides to a point where all my targeted ads are about relationship advice. The “if you ask, you pay” rule is widely accepted. It makes sense! You’re asking someone to spend time with you and the ball’s in your court as to whether it’ll be a $10 coffee date or a $200 steak dinner.

Etiquette coach Maryanne Parker agrees, and explains that this rule of thumb is favored in the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, a Match.com survey found that 62% of respondents who identified as LGBTQ+ agree with this first date etiquette standard.

Surveys and data are all well and good, but subjective, macroeconomic topics are challenging to research.

So I headed to Instagram to see what my friends thought!

The common response was, “well, it depends!””

Who initiated the date? Who picked the locale? How far along is the relationship? Are we talking date 1 or date 6? Is this a cute little picnik in the park or a 5 course dinner?

A handful of people felt as though the man should cover the first date, others follow the etiquette rule of splitsies. The majority said that if they initiate the date, they assume they will be paying.

After reading what “the experts” say and chatting with my friends, one thing is for certain:

First date etiquette depends on the individual.

My Initial Conclusion:

Walk into a first date with the assumption that the bill should be split. A neutral stance allows either party to flex individual first date etiquette rules from there.

But then I read the Harvard Business Review article mentioned at the beginning of this post… my conclusion changed:

It doesn’t matter who pays. What matters is that the decision is made together in an open dialogue:

“How should we handle the bill?”

That bill is your first chance to practice open communication to reach a decision together. Early disagreements about money and finances are the #1 predictor of divorce, according to THIS widely cited 2012 study (dated, but the go-to reference for this topic.) Love experts may disagree on who should foot that first date bill, but everyone says that talking about money and finances is crucial for a long, healthy relationship.. (Click HERE, HERE, and HERE for more!)

There’s a problem: talking about money is not only tough, but it’s seen as taboo. In a survey by Ally Bank, 70% of respondents said it was rude to talk about money. Women are especially hesitant to discuss finances, which I believe hinders the mission of gender equality. Let’s save that deep dive for another time.

An alarming qualm is realized: Money is the #1 relationship killer, yet talking about money is taboo and uncomfortable.

The solution? Let’s normalize discussing money! This standard can be set from date #1.

Discussing the bill doesn’t mean you should divulge your salary, rent, debt, and financial successes or woes. I’m no dating expert, but disclosing your personal finances seems like the perfect recipe for not getting a 2^nd date. But actively talking about how the bill will be paid rather than slyly slipping over a credit card serves as a signal that says, “Hey! Let’s be open about financial decision making and reach a decision on how we are paying this bill together!”

That bill is your chance to establish a partnership from the beginning and to set the foundations for a successful relationship.

“But Katie… this date is terrible! There won’t be a second!!!!”

Practice makes habit.

If discussing who should pay the bill makes you uncomfortable, what better way to practice than with someone you’ll never see again?

Wrapping it all up…

The money spent on a first date is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of expenses. The dollar total will be forgotten, but establishing open communication and decision making could stay with you forever.