What Does 51 Years of Marriage Take?: An Interview With the Experts

I grew up surrounded by an idyllic vision of love.

I’ll never forget one particular moment. My dad was away on a short two day business trip. I was an angsty young teen, and I needed my mom’s attention for some reason or another. I found her in the living room, swaying back and forth on the rocking chair excitedly chatting away to dad on the phone. “MOM!! You saw dad yesterday and will see him tomorrow!!!” , frustrated that the phone call was taking precedent over my probably trivial need. She responded, “But he’s my best friend.”

For as long as I can remember, my parents have had a relationship worthy of the movies. They laugh together, dance together, and discuss ideas together. They treat each other with respect and love. They’ve traveled the world, including trips around Europe and Japan, and they even lived in Iran for 3 years as teachers. Despite so many years of marriage, every night they have a beverage with cheese and crackers on the couch, wrapped up in interesting conversation. How in the heck do you even find new things to talk about after so many years?! While I’m sure there were plenty of arguments and intense disagreements, they never had them around John, my brother, and I, and they always found a solution.

The love they gave each other extended to John and me. From financing my early passion for dance, to helping me study for my exams, to encouraging and cultivating my ever-curious mind, they have supported me through everything. In return, I’ve given them plenty of sleepless night, “I’m trekking through Morocco!” “I’m moving to NYC!” “I ended up in the emergency room last night!” But hey, what’s the point of having kids if they don’t add a little spice to life! I always say, “I’m just a product of you…” Which is true. Anyone who meets my parents kindly informs me that I am an exact blend of the two. I have my mom’s bubbly demeanor and zest for the little things, and I have my dad’s passion for thinking and never ending desire to explore new ideas. No tween/teen ever wants to accept that she is exactly like her parents. As a 28 year old adult, I couldn’t be prouder to say that I am.

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June 27th, 2021, marked their 51st wedding anniversary; a milestone that isn’t achieved by many. What’s the secret? How did their love story go? What were some of the best (and most delicious) moments along the way? Well, let’s find out.

The Basics:

When, where, and how did you meet?

Lew- We met on the tennis courts at Yorktown High School in Arlington, VA.  I apparently attracted Bev’s attention, because I talked to a friend on the phone who told me that “Bev was sitting by the phone waiting for you to call.”  This was a shock to me, because I was a naïve and innocent lad who knew nothing about the ways of city girls. 

Bev- Yes, Lew attracted my attention.  He was wearing cut-offs, a t-shirt, and grimy old tennis shoes.  We were playing doubles, but I don’t remember my partner or his.  I just remember that whenever he missed a shot, he would throw his tennis racket up in the air and then run to catch it.  As our song “Bus Stop” goes:  “That’s the way the whole thing started, silly but it’s true…!”  

At what point did you know “he/she is the one?”

Lew- Knowing me, it was probably when she told me.  But what I actually RECALL is that we were walking away from the tennis courts.  Bev was wearing white cutoff jeans and a sleeveless green striped top and I was fighting off raging hormones as I always was when she slipped her hand in mine.  I was dumfounded.  But I guess I subconsciously decided, ok, great, that’s settled!  This is my girl.

Bev- After our first meeting on the tennis court, we went out a lot.  A couple of “hot spots” were the Bohemian Cavern and the Blue Mirror Grille, both in D.C.  No matter where we went, Lew was always full of surprises, and we just “clicked” early on.  So I knew that we’d stay together as early as that first summer—the summer of 1966.

How did dad propose?

Bev- Well, he claims that I kind of proposed to him!  We were riding in his little old blue Mustang on our way back to Mary Washington my senior year, and I said to him, “Well, when are we going to get married?” as if it was a done deal!  He said he was so shocked that he had to pull off the road!  The formal proposal followed at Mary Washington, my senior year.  We returned from a date, and he got down one knee and formally proposed.  He gave me the engagement ring at the Blue Mirror Grille in D.C. in front of his Mom and sister.

The Fun Stuff:

How many countries have you traveled to?

Lew- I counted about 25. Two of the most exotic were the Soviet Union (1973) and Iran (1975-1978)

What was your first trip together?

Lew- Good question.  Technically, I guess it was our honeymoon when we took my ’68 Mustang on a camping trip, using equipment my parents had given us as a wedding present.  We went to Traverse Bay, Michigan, then on to Thunder Bay Canada, cut east to Vermont and headed south along Lake Champlain to Montreal.  But the first overseas trip was a fantastic package tour of Europe by PanAm in 1971..  I think it was $650 apiece including airfare and hotels for three weeks in five cities: Geneva, Rome, Vienna, Paris, London.   One of my cherished dreams is to spend a few months as a gay gypsy traveling wherever the road took us.  But the fact is we can’t do that.  I always obsess about getting somewhere today, and Bev always wants high class stops and meals.  But my favorite just might be the car trip we took as a family with John and Katie to California.  Perfect itinerary: Las Vegas, Death Valley, San Francisco, Pacific Coast Highway to LA, back to Las Vegas

Bev- Yes, I loved that first trip to Europe in 1971—a dream come true for me!  I also clearly remember the family trip to California.  One stop was a disaster.  We had scheduled a night in Yosemite in a heated tent.  Well, it turns out the heat had been turned off by the government after Memorial Day, and, unfortunately, the weather turned cold and wet.  You could see the mist falling through the canvas.  All we had were thin blankets, and Lew swiped Katie’s sometime during the night, which led to uproar.  We escaped after only one night—good thing, since a snow storm hit right after we left!   The other “amusing” memory of the trip was that Lew bit into a ghost pepper in a cantina at Venice Beach. We all laugh about it now, but at the time Lew turned deathly pale, and Katie, John, and I had to ply him with sugar packets and water to revive him!

What was the worst travel experience you had together?

Lew- This will sound weird, but Bev is such an enthusiastic traveler and eternal optimist, I really can’t remember a “bad” trip.  But I do have terrible memories of standing in gut-wrenching traffic in Boston and the Cross Bronx Expressway in the days when we used to go north instead of south, east, or west.

Bev- It’s true—I love to travel.  I guess you could say that the worst experience resulted from our journey to Iran in 1975.  The Pan Am 1 flight was fine, but being driven from Tehran over the Elburz Mountains by a speed crazed Iranian driver was a harrowing experience.  In fact, we stopped at a Mosque along the way, where the driver thanked Allah that we had made it alive thus far!!!

What were some of the best food experiences you’ve had?

Lew- Bev can take food or leave it.  But for me, food is an integral part of every outing.  I have great memories of annual picnics in the mountains with chicken or hamburgers, my mom’s fantastic potato salad.  I loved Polish food with Bev’s relatives in Cleveland—not because the food’s so good, but because of the atmosphere and the complete rejection of any concerns about sodium, saturated fat, preservatives, and so forth.  We used to take a weekend at Virginia Beach the first weekend after Labor Day (cheaper rates).  We’d stay at the Windjammer on the beach and eat dinner at the Seven Seas out on Rudee’s Inlet, going hog wild by spending $5 apiece on crab dishes!  As always, it wasn’t the food but the atmosphere: young and free, talking about the meaning of life over adult beverages while gazing out at the sea, Bev glowing with vitality after a day at the beach. 

Bev- I love all of the above!  I have to add a dinner in Rome during our 1971 trip.  Lew and I went to an outdoor restaurant where we ordered salads and cannaloni.  It was our first experience eating fresh pasta, and we were surrounded by enthusiastic Italian diners.  We spent several hours soaking up the atmosphere—unforgettable!  Another (among many) memorable European meals was eating wiener schnizel at an outdoor restaurant in Vienna.  Not only were the food and wine superb, but there was a wedding party next to us, so it was a very festive occasion!

Lew- It’s true.  I thought the only Italian food was spaghetti and meatballs.  When I ate that Cannaloni, I thought I’d died and gone to food heaven. 

What were the worst?

Lew- How about the time we both got sick as dogs from the Burger King salad bar on the Ohio turnpike on our way to Cleveland for Thanksgiving?  I will always remember hating the dry baked potato with Accent seasoning I ate as diet food when I was a pudgy high school kid.

Bev- It’s difficult for me to remember a “worst.”  However, I do remember a terrible aftermath.  When Lew and I arrived in Iran in 1971, we got very sick—high fevers, nausea, etc.!  The medic said it was probably due to the airplane dinner brought on board in Beirut.  I can’t remember the meal, but I sure do remember being sick!

A bit deeper….

What’s the secret to 51 years of marriage?

1.  Don’t hold grudges.  Be ready to make up
2. If something really bothers you, and the other person couldn’t care less, either suck it up and don’t do it, or do it yourself and forget about it.
3. Do things together, even if you’re not wild about it.  Don’t get into the habit of “having my own life.”
4. Don’t let stuff fester.  Suck it up and apologize.  And if your partner tries to make peace, for God’s sake, be humble and accepting.
5. Have pressure relief valves—thick skins.  Bev and Lew have an unwritten understanding that you can say nearly anything about family, friends, religion, etc. without suffering the consequences.
6. Figure out a mutually exclusive way to handle money.  We always just pooled everything, but neither of us had crazy spending ideas, either. We know couples that keep finances separate, and that works too.  Just abide by the rules.

Perfect example just two minutes ago. 

            Bev: “Do you want to go outside and roll up the dropcloth?”

            Lew: “No.” (irreverent but non-threatening.  Also true.)

            Bev:  “Then I’ll do it myself.” (no rancor, no sarcasm. Statement of fact)

            Lew:  “Just give me a second.”  She did, and we rolled it up. (Lew)

Bev- I want to add that having a sense of humor helps a lot.  Also, putting things in perspective helps avoid petty nagging.  Does it really matter if someone leaves drawers open, forgets to mail a letter or turn out a light? 

Lew- Oh, so I leave drawers open and forget to mail letters, eh?  That does it!  I’m insulted!! (Just kidding, naturally…)

What’s advice you’d give to young couples?

Lew- Treat each other with respect.  Even if you’re not feeling it at that moment.  If someone needs space, go for it.  If they’re in a mood for company, go with the flow.

 Bev- Say “I love you” and hold hands/hug frequently. And don’t forget to say “thank you” when your soul-mate cooks you dinner or does other everyday chores.  Also, surprise each other from time to time.  One big surprise was when Lew took me to a secret destination for our 45^th anniversary—The Hope and Glory Inn on the Eastern Shore.  I had no idea where we were headed until we arrived! 

What are you looking forward to in the future?

Lew- If I say, “dying without warning in my sleep,” the readers will know what Bev’s had to put up with all these decades.

Bev- I’m looking forward to more trips with Lew, as well as sharing everyday activities, such as taking walks and playing Yahtzee! And in response to Lew’s comment about dying, I call this side of Lew an expression of “dark comedy.”  It also shows that I never know what to expect—which is great fun.  I have never been bored for 51 years!!!

There you have it!

Cheers to 51 years of love, and many more to come.